I’ve always been worried about offense. Worried that I would offend, and worried that what was being said to me was intended to be derisive. I’ve always been very nervous about how other people view me. Afraid that someone doesn’t like me, afraid that I have offended. I have a bad habit of going over conversations in my mind after I have left a function. Dissecting them. Trying to think of something I might have said to upset someone. Analyzing everything that was said to me to determine if the person was only pretending to be nice while really thinking poorly of me. It is not a healthy habit and it has reduced my enjoyment of many an occasion. Practically, I realize the folly of this. On a deeper level, I still have work to do.
As a side effect of this, I have often held my tongue. Omitted things that I thought other people might not want to hear. If someone liked a movie that I didn’t, I would hold my tongue, afraid that admitting a contrary opinion would either make them think less of me, or would undermine their opinion and hurt their feelings. It’s given people a lot of power over me. I have developed long term friendships with people based on the person they think I am, rather than the person I really am.
If I thought someone I wanted to befriend felt really strongly about a subject in the direction opposite to my own, I would assume their opinion by my silence. By my non-committal answers or even nodding in feigned agreement. By doing this time and again, I have been hindering my relationships and my own self worth.
Hindering my relationships by denying the people around me the chance to get to know the real me. Giving them opportunities to unintentionally offend me by not telling them how I really feel about a subject.
Hindering my self worth by telling myself that all other opinions are of more import and significance than mine. I am an intelligent, well-read, open-minded, educated individual. Why do I still believe that if someone thinks the opposite to me on a subject that they must know something I don’t? That they must be right?
I feel like I’ve acted for a long time like a boxer in a ring, with his hands tied behind his back. Dodging punches and never throwing any. For example, if I find out the person I’m speaking to thinks dairy is vital to nutritional health, I sit silently, waiting for the topic to pass, even though I’ve never believed that dairy was a healthy part of a human diet. It was even hard for me to write my view on this topic down for anyone to read. Case in point.
I fear to disagree will be to offend, or to look stupid, and that those around me won’t like me and as a result, I put all the power for a lot of my relationships in the hands of the other.
I’ve decided I need to be willing to do what I’m afraid of. To take the chance that people won’t like me. To speak what is true to me and let the chips fall where they may. Some relationships may end but if they’ve been held together by misconceptions of who I am then perhaps they were already dying. And perhaps I haven’t been giving the people around me credit. If they truly loved me before, they will continue to love me now. I also believe that being and speaking the truth of who I am should finally allow the people out there who are like me to know I exist. To find me. And to allow me to dissolve the power struggle and form relationships based on common belief and an understanding that what you see is what you get. Doesn’t that sound refreshing?
I started this process with an old friend recently, who I know loves me dearly, but doesn’t know everything about me. I steeled myself and told him that I see a chiropractor and I take my daughter as well. It was a risk, and he did start to offend me with his response that he believed that chiropractors are fraudulent. I stood my ground and made my case and he admitted that his opinion was based on no evidence or fact. He apologized and the incident was forgotten, but not before it had a profound effect. I spoke my truth, faced the consequences and now have a stronger relationship with my friend, who knows more about the real me.
My intention is to continue in this direction, as I like where it is taking me so far. It is strange for me to imagine myself in a place where I portray who I really am with impunity. With a trust in my own thoughts, instincts and beliefs. I can see it on the horizon, and I know I won’t get there tomorrow, but I will get there.
