I got rejected the other day. I had a very nice alternative medicine practitioner who I felt a strong connection to. Our relationship seemed (in my mind at least) to cross over from patient/practitioner to friends. We spoke over email, we interacted on Facebook and seemed to have a camaraderie. We go to the same yoga studio, had the same midwife, seemed to be running in the same circles. I decided to take the leap, and ask her out for coffee. I knew there was a chance that she would say no, that I was simply a patient to her, but I asked anyway. The benefit of a potential friendship with a kind, like-minded, interesting person seemed to outweigh the risk of the potential rejection.
Well, I was rejected. As it turned out, my guess was right. The connection did not go beyond patient/practitioner and, in fact, even if it had, she has a policy that she will not start friendships with people who are patients. She did it nicely and gently but let’s face it, a rejection never feels good.
To continue with my promise to myself to use negative experiences for personal growth, I made a conscious effort to face the feeling head on, figure out why I feel the way I do and use it to move forward. There are a couple of good things that came out of this exercise.
To properly explain, a little background. I have always had an extreme fear of being rejected. I discuss this in my Exposing the Hidden Truth post. I have moulded my life around avoiding being rejected. I have probably missed out on a lot of amazing relationships, opportunities and experiences because I was afraid to ask the question: “Do you want to do this with me?” The idea of someone saying “no” was so unacceptable that I would avoid asking the question unless I could be almost certain that the answer was “yes”.
So first, I asked the question. This is huge. The fact that I even asked this woman out for coffee when I knew that she might say no, was a big step forward and getting rejected made me realize that. I have moved into a place where I am willing to take the risk. I gave myself a little pat on the back for this small (but profound) achievement in my personal growth.
Second, I just experienced a “worst possible” outcome. It’s funny that this is a good thing but it actually is. The anticipation of a “worst possible” outcome is almost always worse than the actual experience. Once you have a negative experience, and get through it, you know that you can do it. Nothing is ever as bad from the other side.
This experience also gave me a reason to think about the possible reasons for rejection. In this case, I don’t believe it was personal, I believe it was a professional decision. However, there is always a chance that I will still get rejected at some point for a personal reason. I may get rejected some day by someone I like who doesn’t like me. Who thinks I am deficient in some way. It made me realize that I have always considered this possibility as connected to my self worth. If someone deems me unworthy it must mean that I am. When you say this out loud, you realize that it is not true. It gave me a chance to examine this subconscious belief so that I could shed some light on it and make a conscious effort to correct it. I am not what people think of me.
I have many many wonderful friends and relationships in my life, which I think is a testament to my inherent likeability since I have let most people in my life thus far make the first move. It’s funny to think that I may get to experience even more joy from relationships as a result of this rejection. Putting myself out there and taking the risk more often has become a new goal of mine. It’s not so scary to ask for a “yes” if you’re willing to hear a “no”.
