The conference had a somewhat cheesy name: I Can Do It but that message is actually a much needed one.  When it comes to spirituality and really getting down into it, it sometimes feels like a path for “someone else”.  A monk, a hippy, a cancer-sufferer.  I found often over the course of the weekend, I thought Who am I to go more deeply into this stuff?  I’m just a regular Joe.  Is it ridiculous to believe that I have a life’s purpose?  But I don’t think so.  What it all comes down to is a decision.  Either you choose to go deeper or you don’t.  Anyone can make that decision.  But it is a big one, so I think most people just postpone it for later (or never).  They wait until they’ve become a cancer sufferer, or until they find a group of like minded hippies.  

But the more I thought about it, the more I thought, I don’t want to wait.  I don’t want to be knee deep in illness or grief or catastrophe, and be struggling to find a connection with God and the answers to the Universe when I feel desperate.  To me, it makes sense to seek these things now, while my whole life is ahead of me and my mind is clear.  Find my place and my purpose in this world.  Anchor myself deeply and then not worry about the waves as they come to toss me around.  

When I signed up for the workshops in December, it was essentially random.  I had no idea who most of the authors were, had read none of their books.  But it was amazing, so much of what I needed to hear, at this exact moment, so many of the questions I’ve been rolling around in my brain, were addressed, directly, by the people I watched speak.  It was kind of unbelievable. 

 Marianne Williamson spoke at length about the difference between denying problems and transcending problems.  The exact topic I spent so much time on in my post The Problem with Perspective.  

Jonathan Ellerby discussed different methods of spiritual practice and talked about something I’d never heard of called Ascetic Practices.  This is the process of finding God by experiencing the lack of something in your life.  I had been pondering and contemplating the benefits of lack in a post entitled just that.  

I participated in a workshop by Sonia Choquette.  In the workshop, she had us dancing, singing, wiggling our butts, jumping up and down and yelling.  She had us complete the sentence “If I were unafraid, I would…” to a stranger who sat near us.  I had never thought of this topic in the realm of my spiritual growth but its also a topic I’ve given a lot of thought to lately.  I have said to numerous people that by the end of my life I want to master the ability to be unafraid of looking stupid.  I’ve noted that the people around me who are willing to look silly, be uncool, are the ones who seem to have the most fun.  I never categorized it as a spiritual strength, but I do now.  According to Sonia, these people are connected to their true spirit.  And when you are connected to your true spirit, you can’t be anything but joyous.  So it went against my nature, but I danced, I sang, I wiggled my butt, jumped up and down and yelled.  I felt stupid, I had no group of girlfriends to hide in, but I did it anyway.  And crazy as it sounds, I believe I took a large spiritual step in that workshop.  Who would’ve ever thought? 

There wasn’t a single workshop, speaker or experience over the weekend that I didn’t feel good about.  Happy I’d experienced and glad that I’d come.

The culmination of the entire weekend, if I were to boil it down, was the following key points that I intend to incorporate into my actual everyday life. 

• Taking in spiritual information, reading, learning, thinking positive thoughts are all amazing and wonderful and healthy things but they are not a spiritual practice.  If you’re really serious about getting connected, going to the next level, becoming spiritual, then you need to start a spiritual practice.  And it needs to be a daily one. 

I finally felt ready for this information.  Sure, I’ve heard it over and over again, but the difference is now I’m ready.  I’ve decided to up my meditation to 30 min. daily.  I’m going to do it in the evening before bed, if that’s available to me and if not, I’m going to wake at 4 am, do 30 min. and then go back to sleep.  Like everyone, I’m very busy and up until this point, I chose not to have a daily practice as it wasn’t at the top of the priority list.  It is now, and I have set up a plan to find the time.  I’m 2 days in.  

• Along the lines of avoiding denial, there was much discussion of authenticity and your authentic self.  Many of the speakers discussed authenticity and essential self and figuring out who that is, and living from a place of authenticity.  

This has been on my mind a lot lately.  Being who I think others want me to be, saying what people want to hear, biting my tongue, it’s all creating an illusion.  What is the point of a conversation where I say what you want to hear and you say what I want to hear and neither of us says what we’re thinking?  It’s fiction, and what point does it serve?  This will be a big one for me.  I’ve been doing this for so long, its hard to stop.  The need to be “nice”, to be non-confrontational, is a strong one but what am I saying if I’m not saying what I’m thinking?  Fluff. 

There will be many places in my life where this will be a difficult change to make, but I think its an important one.  To come from a place of kindness and non-judgment when I speak but not a place of dishonesty.  It’s harder than you think.  I can think of 3 or 4 instances in my life where I know I’m not ready.  But I’ll start small and work my way up.  

• Live from joy, from spirit, and do what makes you happy, regardless of how silly it makes you look.  

I have had people in my life, on more than one occasion, tell me not to take myself so seriously.  While they usually said it derisively, it is inherently good advice.  When you stop being directed by how you look and start being directed by how you feel, I think you will be truly free.  I want that kind of freedom.  I intend to put this into practice with a rigorous program of silliness.  Doesn’t sound so bad, does it? In the name of spirituality, I am willing to make a fool of myself. 

One last note that I took away.  One of the speakers, and I can’t even remember who because the message was so profound, it didn’t seem to come from a person but from above, was to see people in their innocence.  Look at the actions of those around you and try to discern why they feel the need to do the things they do.  Look beyond, look inside, and you will understand.  The speaker said, if God were looking at that same person, He would say “Hmmmm…I like you.”  Try to figure out what God sees that you don’t.  So simple and yet so hard.  But I’m sure as hell going to try.

My sister also gave me a powerful visualization that I intend to adopt.  She told me she imagines putting all her struggles in a backpack and handing it up to her angels.  She imagines them with a big empty table where they dump all her struggles out and then she just asks them to “sort it all out”.  Once she’s done that, she tries to just let go and trust that her angels will work everything out.  I really like that. 

I read “Eat Pray Love” by Elizabeth Gilbert with my book club last month. 

It was interesting at the book club discussion.  Most everyone disliked the book but I disagreed.  They thought Gilbert was whiny and self-involved.  They felt like her problems were no different from everyone else’s and that she should stop complaining and “get over it”.  It’s so funny because while I understand where they were coming from, I didn’t feel that while I read it at all.  I found the book honest and unashamed.  Gilbert chronicled her experience with depression without hiding the less palatable parts.  I feel like part of the reason that so many people are struggling with depression in this day and age is that everyone is denying what they’re really going through.  Because no one is admitting to being unable to handle things, everyone thinks they’re all alone in their struggle.  I feel like if everyone was a little more honest about how hard things can be sometimes, society would become a more accepting and supportive place and things wouldn’t be so hard because people would know that they’re not alone.  I thought that it was smart of Gilbert to take a year and deal with her depression, admit it, accept it and take the steps necessary to get over it.  I think that made her extremely brave.  A lot of people in her situation post-divorce would tell themselves that they should “suck it up, get some perspective and get over it already”.   Then they would push it all down, pretend it was alright and never get better.  Good for Elizabeth Gilbert for being honest with herself and owning her feelings.   

I’m not sure if you remember but I was supposed to have a full-day meditation back in January.  Unfortunately it got cancelled but our instructor has scheduled another one for next weekend.  I am excited to see how it goes and if it takes me a significant step forward in my meditation.  I will write my thoughts next week.

Well, I was rejected.  As it turned out, my guess was right.  The connection did not go beyond patient/practitioner and, in fact, even if it had, she has a policy that she will not start friendships with people who are patients.   She did it nicely and gently but let’s face it, a rejection never feels good. 

To continue with my promise to myself to use negative experiences for personal growth, I made a conscious effort to face the feeling head on, figure out why I feel the way I do and use it to move forward.  There are a couple of good things that came out of this exercise. 

To properly explain, a little background. I have always had an extreme fear of being rejected.  I discuss this in my Exposing the Hidden Truth post.  I have moulded my life around avoiding being rejected.  I have probably missed out on a lot of amazing relationships, opportunities and experiences because I was afraid to ask the question: “Do you want to do this with me?”  The idea of someone saying “no” was so unacceptable that I would avoid asking the question unless I could be almost certain that the answer was “yes”. 

So first, I asked the question.   This is huge.  The fact that I even asked this woman out for coffee when I knew that she might say no, was a big step forward and getting rejected made me realize that.   I have moved into a place where I am willing to take the risk.  I gave myself a little pat on the back for this small (but profound) achievement in my personal growth.    

Second, I just experienced a “worst possible” outcome.  It’s funny that this is a good thing but it actually is.  The anticipation of a “worst possible” outcome is almost always worse than the actual experience.   Once you have a negative experience, and get through it, you know that you can do it.  Nothing is ever as bad from the other side. 

This experience also gave me a reason to think about the possible reasons for rejection.  In this case, I don’t believe it was personal, I believe it was a professional decision.  However, there is always a chance that I will still get rejected at some point for a personal reason.  I may get rejected some day by someone I like who doesn’t like me.  Who thinks I am deficient in some way.  It made me realize that I have always considered this possibility as connected to my self worth.  If someone deems me unworthy it must mean that I am.  When you say this out loud, you realize that it is not true.  It gave me a chance to examine this subconscious belief so that I could shed some light on it and make a conscious effort to correct it.  I am not what people think of me.     

I have many many wonderful friends and relationships in my life, which I think is a testament to my inherent likeability since I have let most people in my life thus far make the first move.  It’s funny to think that I may get to experience even more joy from relationships as a result of this rejection.  Putting myself out there and taking the risk more often has become a new goal of mine.  It’s not so scary to ask for a “yes” if you’re willing to hear a “no”.

What is the difference between coping with a difficult situation and being depressed? It made me realize that I don’t really know how I feel. I keep saying that I feel fine, I feel happy, I just have a lot on my plate right now, but I’m not sure that’s true. I’ve started complaining a lot. Getting annoyed, frustrated. Feeling angry at people who do stupid things in traffic, stuff like that. It’s not like me.

I saw a psychic last weekend and she mentioned the terms “hyper” and “quick to get angry” when reading me. I was immediately on the defense (in my mind) but as I thought about my behaviour recently, I realized that she was right. I can get easily worked up right now. This is not who I want to be and I don’t believe this is who I am.

The wonderful thing is that who I am and who I want to be are two things within my control. Once I made the shift and decided to focus on something over which I do have control, a few fortuitous events fell into place.

First, I’ve been getting to work late and I want to change that. This morning, when I briefly woke at 5 am without thinking I said to myself “I send an intention to wake again at 6:30” and went back to sleep. No thoughts of being late or missing work, just a simple intention. My daughter woke me at exactly 6:30. It was a small thing, but it was the universe working in my favor, and it gave me a message. Ask, and you shall receive.

Second, there has been a CD in my purse that my mother gave me a few days ago. I decided to put it into my CD player this morning. It was a workshop given by Jerry & Esther Hicks. In it, they spoke about energy and attraction and being aligned with what you want rather than what you don’t want. It was exactly what I needed to hear. I have become aligned with what I don’t want. I have been channeling a lot of my energy into my problems lately, without even realizing it. The CD in my purse was the light bulb I needed to see it. Just by listening for a few minutes, I became aware of my need to shift focus.

I think its very possible that my own thoughts, my own actions, my own reactions have been further expanding the sense of loss and disconnection in my life from what I want. I needed a reminder, it was given.

I still don’t know the answer to Lynne’s question. Maybe I have been depressed, maybe not but I think the point is that it doesn’t matter what I have been. This is now. A whole new moment. There was a quote I put on my Twitter account a little while ago by Leo Tolstoy: If you want to be happy, be. I want to be happy. Intention, set. Focus, shifted. Let’s see what happens.

I rarely ever have the willpower to force myself into a state of lack (case in point, this is my first cleanse in almost 4 years) but every time I experience lack, I find myself thankful for it when it is over.

My daughter was not a sleeping baby, and I’m serious when I say that. She came out awake and stayed that way for her first 12 months. No continuous night time sleep, no naps, no snoozing, until she was a year old. If you don’t believe me, here is a picture of her at 4 or 5 days, right after we came home from the hospital.

The most beautiful baby I’ve ever seen but always wide awake. I actually count that year as the hardest of my life, sleep deprivation is a torture I wouldn’t wish on anyone. However, as with all things, this eventually passed, and with it came another blessing. Sleep before our daughter, like food before my cleanse, seemed to be an unlimited resource. I could access it at almost any time of day or night. It was up to me how much or how little I slept. I thought nothing of the pure glory of 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep. And it is glorious. I enjoy every morsel of my bedtime routine and often go to bed embarrassingly early to enjoy just a little bit more. I give silent (or not so silent) thanks after every night in which I am able to sleep for 6+ hours in a row. Sleep is healing, sleep is equalizing, sleep is beautiful and I never noticed it before I lost it.

Connected with the sleep deprivation was an (often unspoken) dread that I felt as we prepared to have another child. I was afraid (no, terrified) of going back to that place and was even unsure if I really wanted to have a second child. Once again, at the time, my only experience was: go through the motions of producing a child and one will be provided. There was no miracle in the successful conception, pregnancy and birth of a child. People do it all the time. They do it without meaning to. They do it when they don’t want to. I thought that, like my first, a second child was a guarantee if we initiated the process.

Once again, I have been given the opportunity to experience lack and once again, I find myself grateful. The misgivings about having a second child are gone and I now clearly know that I want the experience of a second child, sleep deprivation and all. In addition, the miracle has been exposed. For all the babies being born every day, more and more as our health care improves, it is sometimes hard to see the miracle in each child. We always say we see it but I’m not sure we really do. Having a baby is common, it’s everywhere, it’s normal and when it’s potentially not possible, you finally see that it truly is a miracle.

I’m not sure if I will get to have my second child. If I do, I know I will love it with the depth and abandon of someone who almost didn’t get to. If I don’t, I will be comforted by the knowledge that I know there are miracles, both simple and complex, in everyday life and that there are also blessings in the experience of lack.

Invictus By William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the Pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll.

I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul.

· I hadn’t been in weeks and I want to go every week

· I ate too much beforehand, which I knew I shouldn’t do

· I was stiff and inflexible and I’ve been doing yoga for 10 years and should be more supple than this

· I was feeling nauseous because of what I ate and it was only going to get worse as the class got more intense

And a million other things. I have knee problems, I have a sore wrist, I have this clicky thing in my elbow when I do Chaturanga Dandasana that feels weird, I lost one of my favourite gloves with the stickies on the palms to keep me from slipping. And on and on. My brain was going a mile a minute.

And then I stopped and the words “second arrow” flew through my head. All these thoughts were negatively affecting this moment. More than my inflexibility, more than my stomach, more than my wrist and my elbow and my knees and my missing glove. It was my judgment of myself and my experience that, more than anything else, was ruining this moment for me.

I asked myself if I wanted to be there, in my practice, despite all the things that I described above. The answer was a resounding “yes”. I love my practice and the fact that I made it there despite the cold and the stress and all of the above was, in itself, an achievement to be proud of.

I told myself that, for this hour, I may feel some discomfort and I may feel nauseous and I may feel 1,000 other things but I was at my practice and it was where I wanted to be so I should just accept what I felt without judgment and let it be. “ Just let it be”, I said to myself, in my head.

As I shifted into that mindspace of “just let it be”, it was pretty amazing what happened next. The flow of the practice started to move through me. The hour dissolved into breathing and stretches and tension and compression and effort and relaxation. I was physically loosened and mentally nourished. My discomforts seemed less uncomfortable and my nausea, amazingly, had simply gone away.

I got up from my mat feeling all the things that I wanted to feel, all the things I had almost robbed myself of and I was amazed. My first real-life application of mindfulness and it had worked. I was pretty amazed and pretty proud.

And as I left, I found my glove with the stickies on the palms that keep me from slipping.

So that was last night but now I feel the need to swing the pendulum the other way. To shift into a spirit of gratitude and acceptance and joy. And so I am presenting another list. A list of things, big and small, for which I am grateful.

1. My beautiful, smart, cherubic daughter

2. My loving husband and equal partner

3. All our of beautiful assets: a home, 2 cars, hundreds of special little material things that we have the pleasure to own

4. A steady paycheck

5. Tim Horton’s Steeped Tea

6. Reality Shows

7. Our dog Ellie

8. The Christmas lights all over the place

9. The internet

10. My degree in Engineering

11. Our duvet

12. Ikea

13. My grandmother’s recipes for apple crisp, turnip puff, meatloaf

14. People magazine

15. My engagement ring and wedding band

16. The four seasons (I love each transition)

17. Tori Spelling (I love her)

18. My midwives, my acupuncturist, my homeopath, my chiropractor, my psychic, all my like-minded alternative practitioners

19. My knee-length brown boots

20. Cucumber

21. My yoga and meditation practices

22. The Ontario North

23. Warm Socks (pretty much warm anything)

24. The existence of miracles

25. Dill Pickle Chips

26. My book club (moving into our 4th year!)

27. All things Christmas

28. Those little Lindt Chocolate balls with the liquid centre

29. Vacations

30. Moments of quiet and stillness

31. Google

32. Horseback Riding

33. Our house cleaners (every 2 weeks, they are a God-send)

34. Old Navy

35. The sound of OM

36. Massage Therapy

37. Indian Food

38. My hair straightener

39. Photos of my daughter in her first year (my memories are so blurry)

40. The Barenaked Ladies

41. Hot showers

42. Clementine Oranges

43. The Harry Potter and Twilight Series’

So I guess that would be the top 43 for which I am grateful this morning. Perhaps I will tweet them throughout the day!

Then last week, I had another miscarriage.  That’s 3 in one year.  I thought I understood why I needed to have 2, and that protected me from needing to have any more.  That’s what I thought.   But that’s not life, is it?   You don’t get to choose the degree or severity of the challenges you face, even if you face them from a clear and spiritual perspective.  I don’t understand why I needed to have 3 miscarriages but I think that’s part of the lesson.  The universe is a big, complicated place and I need to be at peace with the fact that I can’t choose my lessons or their duration but its more than that.   I may never understand the reasons behind the challenges in my life at all but that doesn’t mean that there isn’t a bigger picture. So instead of trying to make sense of this third miscarriage, here is how I’m trying to handle it differently.

• I’m allowing myself to feel what I feel.  If I’m upset and angry, I’m being honest about it.  If I’m feeling better, no guilt over that.  No brave faces but also no melodrama.  Honesty with myself and others about my emotions. 
• I am trying to use what I’ve learned from meditation to be very mindful of my emotions.  To look at them objectively and tease them apart.  It is a very useful tool, it keeps emotions from being overwhelming.   I feel much less like I’m being suffocated by sadness this time, now that I’m looking at my sadness from the perspective of the silent witness. 
• I’m trying to be aware of any postive moments I experience and not let myself sully them.  With previous miscarriages, if I had a little joyful moment (laughed at a joke, enjoyed a dessert), I would remind myself that “I need to feel sad right now”.  Something bad had happened and I shouldn’t forget it.  This time, I’m trying not to do that.  If a positive moment surfaces, I’m trying to allow it to be.  Live in the now, as they say.  If this moment is good, let it be good.  If in the next moment I feel sad, I will allow that to be as well but I’m doing my best not to hijack my good moments. 
• I’m finding another useful tool is to try and shift my focus, when I can, to others.  If I encounter a person who is having a difficulty of some sort, I’m putting my energy into compassion for them and seeing how I can help.  With previous miscarriage, I found myself mentally competing with others.  Their hardship was either easier or harder than mine.  I would judge their experience next to mine.  Now I’m trying to handle it differently.  First, I’m reminding myself that everyone is here to have their own experience and there is no need to compare.  Second, by shifting my focus from feeling sorry for myself to trying to help someone else, I’m actually helping myself as well.  Spending 10 minutes feeling compassion is far more healing than spending 10 minutes wallowing or judging or comparing.
• I’m trying my best to forgive.  I still get the  comments that are of no help and they still drive me crazy but after my Wow. That Really Sucks. moment I’m trying to be mindful of how difficult it is to deal with this experience for everyone.  I’m trying to process my own emotion, then be aware of their intention and let it go. 

My first thought when I realized I was going through this experience for a 3rd time was that I thought I’d processed this experience and understood it and it was over.  I thought I had grown and learned and could therefore put this challenge to bed.  I thought, I’ve already grown from this, what else is there to learn?  How much more do I have to grow?  I think that the answer to that question might be that I have tocome to terms with the fact that I may never know.  I need to move forward with my growth without ever knowing how big I have to get.

Two classes ago we focused on body mindfulness. Being aware of the sensations in our body without being “in” them. Detaching the judgment or emotion of a sensation from the sensation. This is a very interesting and powerful experience. The idea is that you sit quietly and focus on your breathing until another sensation becomes prominent enough to take your focus. Then you simply shift your focus to that area, trying to maintain neutrality. If there is a sensation in your knee, you are instructed to attempt to “tease apart” the sensation. Look at it from an unbiased perspective. Instead of thinking “my knee really hurts because I played rugby in high school and I wreaked it and it will only get worse as I get older until I can barely stand”, think “Knee. Sensation in my knee. Pulling sensation at the top of my knee.” Observe the sensation. Try to remain neutral and see if, without the added emotional attachment, the sensation is lessened, or even goes away. The idea is to focus on each sensation as it takes prominence and then return to your breathing.

I was interested to note that this really brings to light the increased affect that fear and judgment have on pain. When I feel pain, I realized, the worst part of it for me, is it’s potential. The potential for each pain to be persistent, get worse, reduce my quality of life. It’s not so much the sensation itself as the emotion attached to it. This was very good to know. By detaching emotion from pain, I can really see the potential to reduce suffering overall. It is something I will continue to practice.

Last weeks class was focused on mind mindfulness. This was the same as body mindfulness but with relation to one’s emotions. The process was the same, focus on breathing until an emotional state takes prominence, then look at the emotion from a neutral view point. If a feeling of anger crops up from an altercation earlier in the day, look at it. Describe it. “I am feeling anger over a conversation with my boss where my accuracy was questioned. It makes my heart beat more quickly and my breath come faster. I feel hot. I have an urge to yell or swear.” Then look at why you feel what you feel, without judgment. “I am feeling angry because the quality of my work was questioned. This makes me feel a sense of unfairness as I work really hard. I find myself questioning my abilities. I find myself worried about my job and how I will support myself if I lost it.” Maintain focus on the emotion until it passes and try, when you can, to return to your breathing.

This was also an unexpectedly comforting exercise. The separation of “I AM my emotions” from “I FEEL my emotions” is a powerful concept to me. These exercises showed me that there does exist a silent witness who is a part of us and can rationally work us through our feelings if we get quiet and listen.

One of the scariest parts of having emotions, in my opinion, is the thought that we could be “out of control”. That our emotions would take over and be in charge of our entirety if something bad enough happened. This possibility seems much less likely to me for a person who meditates. A person who gets quiet and becomes acquainted with the silent witness knows they are not their emotions and therefore has no reason to be afraid of them. Only to experience them, learn from them and grow from them.

I can see now how suffering is reduced for those who meditate. I was always confused about whether or not hard-core spiritualists felt anything. If they were truly detached, if nothing mattered, how could they feel joy? I think I’m starting to understand now. They aren’t detached from the things that make them happy, they are detached from the emotion of happiness. They know that their emotions don’t define them. They know that their emotions don’t control them. I can see how life would be much easier from that perspective. I feel sad now, but being sad is not who I am. I feel a great sense of joy at this moment but my life does not require constant joy.

I asked our teacher if, with time, this ability to recognize your emotions, analyze them and move through them becomes quicker and more natural with practice. If it will start to bleed into your non-meditative time the more you do it. He said yes. That over time, you start to notice the amount of time that you feel overwhelmed by an emotion reduces with time. Where something would make you angry for 2 hours now, after consistent meditation practice, the same incident would only make you angry for 10 minutes. Neat.

On December 13th, our teacher is holding a full day sit. I have signed up for it and am really interested to see what an 8 hour day dedicated to meditation is like. I will keep you posted.

I will leave you with a Buddhist teaching that our teacher told us last week. It is a nice allegory for all I’ve discussed above:

The Buddha once asked a student, “If a person is struck by an arrow is it painful?” The student replied, “It is.” The Buddha then asked, “If the person is struck by a second arrow, is that even more painful?” The student replied again, “It is.” The Buddha then explained, “In life, we cannot always control the first arrow. However, the second arrow is our reaction to the first. This second arrow is optional.” – Taken from The Issue at Hand by Gil Fronsdal